and so it came to be
that I so queerly wrote poetry
in the margins of a play I loved being read by my peers
who were rudimentary in speech despite their years
and it frustrated me to hear such poetry poisoned
when such dialogue eloquent must be properly seasoned
the full effect withheld and kept at arm’s length
debilitated by voices lacking in depth
tremble and quiver in the passion you speak forth
let words tumble like waves trying to prove their worth
but they failed to entreat me to believe their passion play
all I saw was lackluster eyes slowly in decay
they fester for years in their plastic seats
before being unleashed from bondage unto the streets
some attempt to learn all the things they always lacked
many were never taught how to love and continue that track
matter of factly, they continue with cynicism they consider sublime
and consider themselves blessed to possess such sharp and shrewd minds
they scorn this proof of the humanity inside
and instead live mechanically their pre-outlined lives
what a shame we’ve been taught by that we should regale
that this essence of person is too crude to set sail
so we never feel the sea dancing on our scalp
but remain in our boxes thing we’ve already gotten out
there’s no transcendence that goes for enough
as to reach full enlightenment and touch that unknown bluff
just as we are never without sweet weakness
we were not made to be so loveless
we cannot submit to only one height
and as it’s such it is still not really the light
there’s so much to state about the foolish existence
that which is pure in all its actions hence
what humanity must be to always be with and without fault
continuing on in this pursuit without halt
we’ll thrash in search of right
suppose in be in night instead of where you’ve been looking blindly in light
or perhaps it is neither that is rightfully right
what is there to do but try and try and try
a guaranteed failure, a few dozen or million by the end
at least you’ve made it there - claim your ascent
I can try to solve all these problems you started but I can’t pretend they never happened. I can try to think in terms of a new day, but it won’t change what happened yesterday. You can tell me that my past doesn’t define who I am, but it does. You’re wrong. All these things that I’ve done have built up to cultivate this mess inside of me that’s completely unsure of what’s to come. You can say that it’s only natural to never know what the future has in store for me, but you never acknowledge that the future isn’t a black slate, clean and new. It’s clouded with remnants of the chalk that wrote all over my preface and will inevitably stain my epilogue, dust blowing across the body of my story. You can color my life and claim to clean it up, but it won’t be gone. I can walk away from the shadow with the brilliance of the sun blinding my eyes, but I’m not left without the arrogance of expectations.
All in all, I am not alone. I am never alone. I am never an independent variable. I am subjected to the breath of you on my skin and all the goosebumps it brought forth. You’ll blow away with the wind and leave me subject to a new impasse and a new argument, a new day to act on with the influence of your haunting brush against me.
You are never there, but I am never alone. I am haunted.
I’m trying my hardest not to cry
All the time
But you’d never know
Judging by your clueless looks
And unaware embraces
As to what this is doing to me
What a betrayal
You handed to me on a silver platter
When you pretended to me that I mattered
And I believed so willingly
The thought that is so ill conceived
That I could possibly ever ever be real
To the point of being felt
I am just a ghost and you don’t know
That I am a phantom drifting in and out
Of your life with haunting moans
Telling you nothing but whispers echoed back
From what you gave me originally
I’m just wishing for a better night
In which I can hide
From you and myself because I am the biggest haunt
I died at your feet and you never seemed to notice
My body fell and no one ever seemed to care
So I came back to make you all care
Completely forgetting you’d just see right through me
And not care for the mess before you
Hardly opaque
And not real at all
I am just a reflection of what I was in life after all
Just a spirit
Not a person
Just a mood
Not a story
Nothing you’d ever want to love
Nothing you’d ever want to live
Nothing you’d ever bask in glory
And that’s the life I needed so badly
That you refused to bequeath upon me
So I’m sitting here wondering how to attain it
When I’m unable to do much of anything at all
Passing through everything
Instead of inciting a reaction within the world
I can do nothing
But sit here
And wonder
What would have happened
If I’d been better
Maybe you’d have loved me then
The press of your skin to mine
As you brought my closer to you
Was such a lie
And I don’t know what to make of that
You were such a liar
With your implied loveliness
As you made me think you cared
And now I’m left alone
Tears escaping from behind my eyelids
As I try to shut it all away
And remind myself there’s a different day
For love
And more loss
And that you didn’t ruin everything
It was just a phase
I tried not to name you in my head
But you weaseled your way in there anyways
And now I don’t know what to do
But call you that name
So familiar
And I’m just trying to live with myself
Trying to live with the pain of knowing I don’t matter
The tendrils of his touch were phantoms, raising goosebumps on her skin as lightly as the touch of wind would do. There was this horrible sense of foresight that overcame her, vision rushing out of where she was as if she were an omniscient presence watching her and him intertwined sweetly. There was something glaringly wrong with the way they touched, so intimately, yet so fearful. It was plain to see they completely each other, but were afraid of filling the niche that had been made for each other long before they’d ever met. After looking so long, after experiencing so much, they’d lost the knowledge that all are born with. They’d forgotten how to love with abandon. Passion had been fleeting and now they had no way to grasp it once again.
Why was I not granted with a voice so sweet?
i’d have been satisfied with one able to hold a tune or hit a pitch suitable for a woman.
How could I have been born with such unsatisfactory range? Such lack of melody?
How can my dreams be watered down before they’ve begun?
I guess a year ago
I’d’ve never guessed this is where we’d be
staring silently across the sea
and not bothering to waste precious breath
explaining all we’d come to see
as our lives have grown apart and the days less aligned
you never read them the way I did
you never read my signs
I told you we’d come to this place, this plateau
and you never believed me, my truths were called blasphemy
you shouted out heresy
but to no avail as you can see
because I am here and you are there
across this imagined sea
that is created by a mire of conflicting desires
but you know I’d never regret
that day where we met
the day I never anticipated I’d feel something more
and never guessed you’d become a thought I’d adore
the ride’s been fun and I’m glad for your time
thanks for all that you’ve come to provide
it’s just that, once again, you refuse to read the signs
I’m always warning you with in attempt to provoke your mind
the threat of the impending day we’ll be farther apart
to incite or invoke some sort of reaction on your part
to assure me I’m not the only one facing a broken heart
but you never rise to the bait
and I guess that’s okay
it’s just not for me, my fate
I’ll keep looking for what they call love
it’d be silly to call you my soulmate
but I can’t help those silly things girls do
and I’m sorry that I’m always thinking of you
Here’s the lesson of my life
There is never ever enough time
See where I laid down my life
Over centuries of seconds gone by
That’s only felt like the moment we all looked alike
Childhood is fleeting but that is our whole life
We learn to obscure it, mask it, put it aside
We learn what to think holy and how to hide
Because as we grow from the time we were on the same side
Individual contests develop inside
And it’s not correct, not ideal, not right
So we stay in our dark and shy from our light
We pretend we are only what is in sight
And pretend it’s all gone, those ugly desires
This is functional, this is proper, this is polite
We learn to stop being loved, but instead be nice
Welcome, Welcome, we understood you fell from that height
Disintegrated into ashes in the organs inside
Too bad we never saw all of those signs
That warned and foreshadowed YOU MAKE THIS NIGHT
Those philosophes who proclaim what may be truth or lie
Don’t understand, never understood, this is how we strive
For what they claim and insinuate is right
But what is correct to assume in this life
We’ll continue to look up to the stars in the sky
Who can say this is how we should react to our implied plight
You can’t, I can’t, this is my lesson, this is all I can try
It swells to overwhelm the other organs that occupy this hollowed cavity and my lungs are crushed under its weight as I lay there gasping for breath, emotion surpassing my senses. The world keeps turning while I writhe in my sensation and it goes on, whether I continue or not.
And I suppose that’s the thought that brings me through.
